Have you ever had a friend or loved one blurt something out about you to YOU and you could see all over their face and body language that those thoughts were supposed to remain in their head?
Yes, me too.
It hurt, it stung. But, what did you do with it? That’s the key.
No one particularly wants it but, truly to learn and grow in self awareness, it’s necessary. So, why is it that we don’t ask for honest criticism or when we do it’s not the whole truth?
In Tasha Eurich’s book, Insight, she explains how most times we avoid criticism/feedback however, those who practice the 3R approach are the most insightful and self aware people whom we should emulate.
First you need to set the stage, you don’t want EVERYONE’S feedback.
-Family may be an OK choice, but they love you and may rather avoid the topic as well.
-Friends may be an OK choice however, in a study of a group of 5 women, researchers asked each to describe what the worst trait of their best friend was. The women shared this feedback, in fact they told the other 4 women NOT the best friend!
-The best bet, find someone who you know has your best interests at heart but aren’t too close to have a muddied perspective.
Next, be clear. Ask exactly what you’re needing feedback on:
“How do you think I’m doing?”
“I would like to hear your feedback on how I’m reacting during social interactions, I’ve become aware that I may come off as brash and could use your insight.”
Then, initiate the 3R.
1. RECEIVE the feedback. It’s not going to be fun or feel good. Receive it without judgement or anger.
2. REFLECT. Ask yourself if this feedback answers your question, was the source caring yet honest or are you aware of their potential judgements toward you or insecurities? What can you do with this feedback, if anything?
3. RESPOND. Take time to process this, a day, a week. Decide if you need to respond and do so with the attitude of learning and gratefulness OR don’t respond if you feel the feedback wasn’t aligned with what you were asking or it was a “oh 💩!” On behalf of a friend.